the past is embarrassing

-snatch

I need to get over this obsession.


I really need to get over it.



But he's perfect. And totally not into me.



Move on. Just do it.

nothing I'll feel tonight

i've gotten away from needing to be so anonymous.

i've gotten away from a lot of things.



technology hates me lately. the laptop died, was resurrected, and died again. the cell phone was dropped one too many times and the replacement sucks. the car's windshield sprayers no longer work, the power steering belt is going, the struts have been shit for far too long now, and it desperately needs a tune up.


i desperately need a tune up.


i finally thought things were turning around for me. i felt so optimistic. and now, it's gone.


i need to keep busy.


i need a new job.

people are smarter than I give them credit for. apparently it is quite easy to link this blog back to me, and the other totally public soul baring one.

it's easy enough to concern those that love and care about me. which sucks.

i'm not suicidal anymore, haven't been in the last 13 or so years. you don't have to worry about me. the crazy likes to take over sometimes, it's beyond my control. but I have things sorted out for the most part. life vacillates between miserable to ecstatic in the blink of an eye.

such is life.


my anonymity was brief, though refreshing while it lasted. i suppose I could always make another livejournal account and lock it, keeping my secrets and fear and insecurities safely hidden within, but the exhibitionist in me disallows it.

i'm feeling awfully useless.

like there's no point to anything.


i should be happy. i should be. my first world problems are insignificant. but they are everything for me. everything. my dreams are simple. my dreams are unattainable.


i want to start over. again. but what could I possibly change?


nothing will ever change.

I am trying to break your heart

I wish I was better at reading people.

I wish I knew if I should bare my soul.

I wish I didn't feel like I am using t-b-I-g until something better comes along. Because I've found that something better. And it's totally one sided. And since I'm so fucking selfish I cannot let t-b-I-g go wander free, I need him to wait until I am ready to let him go. Because without him I would ultimately be fucking alone.


I wish I could bare my soul. But why ruin a good thing? The risks outweigh the potential benefits.


I feel like an angsty teen. I'm almost 30 and still as fucked up as I was half a life ago. At least back then I still had a fairly bangin' body, before the ravages of drugs and time and crazy took a hold of me. Being single wasn't so bad then because I was never really single. Kind of like now.


Not much has really changed since the half life point. I'm still a slut, I'm just as confused as I've always been, and I'm still destroying those that care about me.



I really like this new(ish) boy. Like really really like. I barely know him. But he affects me in ways that no one else has ever. Is this what love is supposed to be like? Or is it really just the anxiety attack that it feels like?


Love. I've always discounted love, or at least since the dissolution of my last real relationship.
I don't even want to think about this. I don't want to concern myself with useless labels and retarded emotions.


But it's worrisome.


I don't want to scare him away.

pitter patter goes my heart

I've broken his heart. All of a sudden I have these feelings, these unwanted and useless feelings towards someone I barely know. I am no good with feelings. I am even worse with emotions.

Last weekend the-boyfriend-I-guess and I talked about the status of us, if there is any us, if there ever will be an us, and what to do about it all. I ended up crying at the bar before the band went on, unable to stop. People, awful people, all around me. Awful people being awfully kind to the dumbass girl crying at the bar.

There is no us. I never wanted an us. I care deeply for him, maybe even do love him... but these new feelings...

I don't put much stock in random feelings. I'm pretty neutral to feeling. The meds help deaden any feelings that might break through.

I don't put much stock in random feelings but these are so fucking strong. Strong enough that I felt it necessary to divulge this information to t-b-I-g. A forewarning.

I am also fairly certain that these feelings are only coming from me. I am not hot enough for this new man. Not thin enough. I have bad skin. And I'll never be what he wants. This is not enough to prevent me from destroying what I had with the only person who has continually cared about me, my welfare, my safety, my happiness. It is not enough.

It's not like there's anything wrong with t-b-I-g. He's an amazing person, a great friend, good to his family, attractive, nice, successful... I've just never felt this sudden strong attachment so soon.

I want to be around the new guy all the time. I want to spend days with him. Weeks. Forever.

I'm infatuated, even though just thinking about him makes me feel like I'm having a panic attack. My chest tightens and my pulse races, my palms get sweaty and my face flushes. I get wet.

Is this what that mythical love is supposed to feel like? Is that what this is? Love?

I've never wanted love. Haven't pursued love in at least five years, have pushed love away, have convinced myself that love doesn't exist.

I'm making myself say it and I feel anxious.

I do not want this.

I want to disappear completely. I want to run away and hide forever.




t-b-I-g: last year you sent me a text message, and it's one of the worst things I lost from my old phone
self: ?
t-b-I-g: as I recall "My BH is that I love you in the conventional sense"
self: i remember
t-b-I-g: I love you in the conventional sense too
self: i know =(
t-b-I-g: but I decided long ago to never be a controlling bitch about it
t-b-I-g: I love you enough to let you go, I guess