pitter patter goes my heart

I've broken his heart. All of a sudden I have these feelings, these unwanted and useless feelings towards someone I barely know. I am no good with feelings. I am even worse with emotions.

Last weekend the-boyfriend-I-guess and I talked about the status of us, if there is any us, if there ever will be an us, and what to do about it all. I ended up crying at the bar before the band went on, unable to stop. People, awful people, all around me. Awful people being awfully kind to the dumbass girl crying at the bar.

There is no us. I never wanted an us. I care deeply for him, maybe even do love him... but these new feelings...

I don't put much stock in random feelings. I'm pretty neutral to feeling. The meds help deaden any feelings that might break through.

I don't put much stock in random feelings but these are so fucking strong. Strong enough that I felt it necessary to divulge this information to t-b-I-g. A forewarning.

I am also fairly certain that these feelings are only coming from me. I am not hot enough for this new man. Not thin enough. I have bad skin. And I'll never be what he wants. This is not enough to prevent me from destroying what I had with the only person who has continually cared about me, my welfare, my safety, my happiness. It is not enough.

It's not like there's anything wrong with t-b-I-g. He's an amazing person, a great friend, good to his family, attractive, nice, successful... I've just never felt this sudden strong attachment so soon.

I want to be around the new guy all the time. I want to spend days with him. Weeks. Forever.

I'm infatuated, even though just thinking about him makes me feel like I'm having a panic attack. My chest tightens and my pulse races, my palms get sweaty and my face flushes. I get wet.

Is this what that mythical love is supposed to feel like? Is that what this is? Love?

I've never wanted love. Haven't pursued love in at least five years, have pushed love away, have convinced myself that love doesn't exist.

I'm making myself say it and I feel anxious.

I do not want this.

I want to disappear completely. I want to run away and hide forever.




t-b-I-g: last year you sent me a text message, and it's one of the worst things I lost from my old phone
self: ?
t-b-I-g: as I recall "My BH is that I love you in the conventional sense"
self: i remember
t-b-I-g: I love you in the conventional sense too
self: i know =(
t-b-I-g: but I decided long ago to never be a controlling bitch about it
t-b-I-g: I love you enough to let you go, I guess